Tumbled Logic

Malcom Tucker and Net Neutrality

Malcom

Right. [breathes] Which one of you dozy fucking caricatures of yourselves leaked it?

Olly

Leaked what?

Malcom

That fucking diagram. The one we drew up with the Internet people, showing how you can get different add-ons for different types of website. The one we even went to the fucking trouble of making look like it was a parody of an American company just in case some know-it-all bastard do-gooder decided to show some misplaced “initiative”.

Olly

Ohhhh, that diagram. Hugh did it.

Hugh

Oh, thanks Olly. Like it wasn’t your idea in the first place.

Malcom

Why would I care whose idea it was? Honestly, it’s like working in a prison for the criminally fucking stupid. DoSAC? Fetid ballsack more like. Fucksake.

Y’know, I didn’t even think it was one of you lot. Do you even get the Internet in here? Is it allowed in the “fourth sector” or whatever the fuck you people call it?

Terri (interjecting)

The Fourth Sector isn’t a pla—

Malcom [Holding up hand to Terri to silence her]

I.

Don’t

Care.

Words cannot express how much I don’t give a monkey’s fuck about your fourth sector psychobabble. In fact, I’m having trouble just caring enough to finish this sent…

[Malcom pauses for effect, Terri indignantly mutters “Very droll”]

I do care about how you fucking… dregs came to be tipping off the [quoting fingers] “blogosphere” or whatever the fuck it’s called about what’s going on with the Internet in Europe.

Olly (interjecting)

But it’s not right!

Malcom

Not right? Not? Right? I’ll tell you what’s not right, sonny Jim. What’s not right is people having an interest in the political machine. What’s not right is people having anything resembling the vaguest idea about what the fuck goes on in Brussels. Fuck, we have enough trouble getting those lazy arrogant pricks doing what we want without the public sticking their cocks in.

You people have no idea, do you? Do you realise the amount of effort involved in pulling this off? We had to bring that cunt of a Sith Lord back from the dead just so he could take over the Broadband Internet Access Scheme and propose some insane legislation. And why did we have to do that? Because he was the only person we had who is so completely out of his tree that people would think he might actually fucking go through with it.

Everyone opposes his mental scheme while we sort this stuff out in Europe while no fucker’s looking. All of which would work perfectly if some dozy fuckwits hadn’t tipped the public off to what we might be doing.

Hugh

But—

Malcom

But nothing, fucko. All I want to know is where the fuck you got this from? Just give me a name, so I can make sure they’ll be wearing their kidneys on the outside from now on.

Olly

Well…

Malcom

Yes? Hurry the fuck up with it. I’m not standing here for jollies, y’know?

Hugh

It was… leaked.

Malcom

What? Do I have “wanker” tattooed on my face? [Looks at Terri] Don’t answer that.

I know it was leaked. That’s why I’m here.

Hugh

It was… Emma.

Malcom

Emma? Wait. Emma?! [Stares at Olly] Your girlfriend Emma? “The opposition” Emma? The one you were using to get at Peter Manion?

Hugh

Ex.

Olly

[To Hugh] It’s complicated.

[To Malcom] Yes. She got it from Stewart. We thought it was an opposition plan…

Malcom

Oh, fuck me. Fuck me like a Raggy Doll. You’re actually fucking serious, aren’t you? You dozy fucking specialties. I’m going to have the three of you committed, and that’s a fucking promise.

As for that slimey new-age cocksucker. I’m going to turn him inside out and hang him from the gates of Downing Street and persuade a pigeon to shit down his throat.

[Malcom turns and leaves, dialling phone]

Yeah, Sam? On on my way over. I need you to dig out that picture of Stewart Pearson dressed as a gimp. And the one of the opposition leader and Peter Manion in drag. And the one of the shadow treasury spokesman in a bikini. Yes, fucksake, all of them. And get that new kid to put them up on Wikileaks or something…