Tumbled Logic

Malcom Tucker and the Chilcot Inquiry (Part 1)

Sir John Chilcot

Thanks for taking the time to join us, Mr Tucker. I realise you’re a busy man, and so we won’t keep you here any longer than is necessary.

Malcom

Aye, nae bother. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do than sit here on my arse answering your pointless questions.

Sir Lawrence Freedman

As Sir John has said, Mr Tucker, we won’t keep you here any longer than is necessary. How long is necessary has yet to be determined, however. May I remind you, also, that these proceedings are being broadcast live by the BBC News channel, and streamed on the Web.

Malcom

Aye, fine, whatever. Just on with it, will you?

Sir John

Is it correct to say that you were involved in the preparations for bringing the case for war to Parliament?

Malcom

Aye, I was involved. In much the same way that our favourite ex-Home Secretary was “involved” with that journalist woman. I was in and about it. I actually had to go and get checked out for STDs afterwards, that’s how “involved” I was.

Sir John

A simple “yes” would have sufficed, Mr Tucker. There really isn’t any call for these crude similes.

Sir Lawrence

Given that you were, as you’ve stated, heavily involved in the preparations for presenting the case, what do you make of Sir Christopher Meyer’s evidence which strongly suggests the government overstated the risks Saddam posed to our national interests?

Malcom

Well, it’s easy to be right in hindsight, isn’t it?

Baroness Usha Prasha

Meaning?

Malcom

I mean, it’s easy to sit here, in this chair, looking back on what happened six years ago and go “aye, I remember it like it was yesterday, those government pricks had all the facts and chose to ignore them”. Nobody was seriously suggesting it was the case at the time, were they?

Sir Roderic Lyne

Well, they were—

Malcom

No, but nobody credible, you know what I’m saying? There were there the anti-war knobends, and the Lib Dems… but it’s not like anybody ever listens to them. And, anyway, all of this depends on what you mean by “national interests”. Getting shot of that power-hungry dictator was certainly in our “national interests”.

Sir Roderic

Perhaps, but he didn’t actually pose a threat to them, did he?

Malcom

Look, if he was still there, we wouldn’t have been able to do the things we’ve been doing over there which are in our interests. I’d call that a threat.

Baroness Prasha

Killing innocent people you mean?

Malcom

Ay—I mean—no, the liberation of the Iraqi people.

Sir John

Can we just take a step back a moment?

Malcom (interrupting)

Take as many steps back you like, pal. Four or five should put you through that fucking window back there, eh?

Sir Martin Gilbert

Mr Tucker, we are on live television. Please temper your language.

Malcom

Ah, aye, sorry about that.

Sir John

Figuratively stepping back for a moment, are you accusing Sir Christopher of being economical with the truth?

Malcom

I’m accusing the slimey little twazzock of lying?

Look, that prick has had it in for this Government ever since the FCO sent him to man the Moscow embassy in his first overseas posting in 1968. I mean, sweet Jesus, talk about a baptism of fire. I almost don’t blame him for it, but it’s not like any of us now were calling the shots back then.

Sir John

Some of us may have been…

Malcom

Even so. I’m saying he’s tainted. Of dubious value. Unreliable. Like that David Kelly guy. God, he was a nutter.

Sir Lawrence

We’ll get to him in a later session.

Malcom

Aye, you do that. But right now, my spidey-sense is tingling. I’ve got an appointment with my chiropodist I’m not willing to miss.

Sir John

Mr Tucker, we have yet to reach a conclusion here—

Malcom (interrupting, standing)

Well, I have. My conclusion is that this is a waste of my energy just being in this room. Bugger this. I mean, seriously, fucking look at yourselves. It’s like Dad’s Army in here.

Sir John

Mr Tucker!—

Malcom

Fuck off, Godfrey.

[Malcom turns and leaves, leaving the committee aghast]

[Shouting cheerily to the committee as he leaves] Goodbye fuckos! Give my regards to Hodges!